Everything still smells like your house.

I’ve literally lost every single good thing in my life. What do I do now?

Anonymous: You wouldn't like it if I did. But I hope things work out!!! You don't sound pathetic btw. We all go through rough patches.

I don’t really dislike anyone anymore. So I’m sure I wouldn’t mind. I’d actually appreciate it if you did. It’s always good having friends. And thank you for the kind words, anon.

Anonymous: I noticed. What's going on?

I guess it doesn’t really matter much anymore. There’s nothing I can do. If you want to give me advice, you should come off anon cus I’m sounding super pathetic and whiney lately. I’d appreciate it. But also, thanks for asking.

Anonymous: Are you ok?

Not in the least bit, anon.

Sometimes I wake up and I lay in bed and I get this feeling similar to butterflies in the pit of my stomach, only instead of making me feel excited they make me feel nauseous. Then I remember the dream I had the night before and the entire reason as to why I’m sad in the first place. Sometimes I wish I could fill the hole in my chest with cement or something else concrete in order to just not feel so empty. Sometimes while I’m taking a shower I realize just how pathetic I’ve made myself and I fall on my knees and sob so loudly that I can’t hear the water hitting the floor anymore. I feel too guilty to eat and sleep. I force myself to because I know that’s what I need to survive, except I can’t help questioning why I’m allowed to exist in the first place. What happens if I stop eating and sleeping and doing other things to sustain my life? Will I wither away into dust?

I remember feeling happy and overwhelmed all the time. I thought that I could never cry again. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get upset enough over something to cry. I’m now at that point in my life where I realize I’ll cry for the rest of my life.

I feel like I’m losing my memories from those times.

I’m afraid one day I won’t even be able to remember what it felt like to be so happy I couldn’t cry.

I won’t be able to remember what it felt like to love someone so much.

I won’t be able to remember what it felt like to feel safe and secure.

I won’t remember what it felt like to love myself. 

I won’t remember the sound of your voice because I’m going to lose everyone one day. 

I won’t remember the sound of a functioning heart beat. 

I won’t remember who I am. 

I’m going to get Alzheimer because it runs in my family.

And for some reason, I’m happy knowing that one day I can forget it all. 

I’m losing my memories. I’m losing people because I’m losing my memories. 

And I brought this upon myself. And I take full responsibility. And I know the consequences I must face. And I know you will be happy without me one day. And I know she will be better than me. And I know she won’t get upset over little things. And I know she’ll make you afraid to lose her. And I know she’ll love you more than I ever could. And I know she won’t be me. Because that seat has been reserved for me. I am the catalyst that will break you down until you are nothing. And I am the reason you will never trust again. I am the reason you’ll hold onto her so tightly. I am the reason you’ll think back and say “I’m glad you let me go.” I am the reason you’ll have found each other. I am the reason you’ll regret me. I will call you when you are fifty and tell you that it should have always been me. 

I am the reason that no one will ever love me as much as I loved you.



BUBBLES/ 24x30 
from Trailer Park Boys

My friend does art. Check it out please!

I’m starting to get stressed out again. I’ve been constantly nauseous all week. My anxiety level is raising and I don’t know why.

ninetydayz: seinfeld hate? have fun going alone tomorrow

whatever at least I don’t watch Seinfeld, lol. what a loser